Most people who knew me before I was pregnant knew I had a mild case of hypochondria. It wasn't completely unwarranted hypochondria: I was constantly on antibiotics for sinus infections, couldn't breathe without allergy meds and, for quite a few years, couldn't leave the house without my inhaler. That being said, I had an addiction to WebMD for a while, and if I had a pain or felt ill I would find out from WebMD that it could be a rare genetic mutation, or my kidney was failing, or it was cancer. (Seriously WebMD, is it ALWAYS cancer?)
I never let my hypochondria go completely rampant, I never went in to the doctor's office and claimed that I was dying of some rare disease, or that a mild case of stomach cramps was in fact the beginnings of Chrone's or something. I did, however, correctly diagnose the basal cell carcinoma on my temple last year, and now I have a free pass to be overly vigilant about anything "iffy" on my skin.
Anyways, anyone who has ever had those feelings, those worries, knows that it's exhausting to care that much about nothing. It takes a lot of effort to worry. Part of the problem is my need to know/control things. I like being in control, or at least the illusion of control. So with all health issues, if I can figure out what's causing me to feel bad on my own then I'm obviously in control, and therefore happy. I think it also has to do with fear of the unknown. When I had the area on my temple biopsied I did a ton of Wikipedia research (because WebMD would obviously tell me it's cancer) and I actually felt better when I realized it was, in all likelihood, basal cell carcinoma. From reading, I learned that this specific type of cancer is the type of you want to get (if you have to get skin cancer) because it doesn't spread and is easily removed. It calmed my nerves knowing that I was 99% sure I had the most benign form of cancer, and once removed, it would be gone completely.
In January of this year, when I found out I was pregnant, I let my hypochondria slip. I had mentioned to the doctor that I had just tested positive for two clotting disorders, Factor V Leiden mutation and a Protein S Deficiency. The important thing to note at this point is that I have never had a clot, I was tested because of my mother's history of clotting. Once the words "clotting disorder" was out of my mouth, I immediately had a prescription for Lovenox in my hand. Daily injections into my abdomen to prevent blood clots. I think in the first week it made me feel good, that I was preventing something that could negatively effect my pregnancy, but by week two I was OVER it.
Kevin and I found out at 5 and a half weeks that we were having twins. It was that day, the moment we saw two sacs, that something short circuited in my brain. We were trying for one baby, I peed on enough sticks to know we had achieved that, and now this German guy is telling we're having TWO at ONCE. My need to control was spinning out of control and somehow the hypochondriac gene fell off my radar. If I couldn't control the number of babies I was having, I obviously had no control over the entire pregnancy. I mean, the amount of babies a woman has is not usually something you even have to think about!!
So for the remainder of the pregnancy I was amazingly worry-free. Somehow I no longer worried about having a miscarriage, I didn't worry that my babies were going to be misshapen or disfigured, I didn't even have any genetic testing done because I knew there's nothing I can do about it anyways. I think the best phrase to describe what happened during the pregnancy is "Let go, and let God". I had to give up control and just let things happen the way they were meant to happen. If I had one, or two babies that had Downs Syndrome then that was my lot in life, to take care of two special needs babies. If I were to go into labor extremely early then I was meant to be a NICU mommy. I managed to change my hypochondria into destiny.
Now that the girls are here I am thankful they cured me of hypochondria. It would be far too tiring to always worry about if they're breathing, if they're growing, if they're upset about something. Somehow deep down I know that they will let me know if something is wrong. We've had a few scares where one of the girls will inhale some spit up, and it's a sound that is nothing like a hunger-cry. It's a bone chilling scream and forces you up to help. But a quick suction with the bulb syringe and a few minutes of burping and everything is fine once again. I think those moments are also necessary for the parents, once I see that she's OK, I have this amazing feeling of, "I can do this"! These two little girls depend on Kevin and I for everything, it's an immense amount of trust, and every day I feel a little more in control of providing everything they're ever going to need.
Now on to pictures... I took some "professional" newborn pictures of the girls. :) Here are the ones I have edited, I have a few more that still need editing, but I'm so tired that you'll all just have to wait!
I never let my hypochondria go completely rampant, I never went in to the doctor's office and claimed that I was dying of some rare disease, or that a mild case of stomach cramps was in fact the beginnings of Chrone's or something. I did, however, correctly diagnose the basal cell carcinoma on my temple last year, and now I have a free pass to be overly vigilant about anything "iffy" on my skin.
Anyways, anyone who has ever had those feelings, those worries, knows that it's exhausting to care that much about nothing. It takes a lot of effort to worry. Part of the problem is my need to know/control things. I like being in control, or at least the illusion of control. So with all health issues, if I can figure out what's causing me to feel bad on my own then I'm obviously in control, and therefore happy. I think it also has to do with fear of the unknown. When I had the area on my temple biopsied I did a ton of Wikipedia research (because WebMD would obviously tell me it's cancer) and I actually felt better when I realized it was, in all likelihood, basal cell carcinoma. From reading, I learned that this specific type of cancer is the type of you want to get (if you have to get skin cancer) because it doesn't spread and is easily removed. It calmed my nerves knowing that I was 99% sure I had the most benign form of cancer, and once removed, it would be gone completely.
In January of this year, when I found out I was pregnant, I let my hypochondria slip. I had mentioned to the doctor that I had just tested positive for two clotting disorders, Factor V Leiden mutation and a Protein S Deficiency. The important thing to note at this point is that I have never had a clot, I was tested because of my mother's history of clotting. Once the words "clotting disorder" was out of my mouth, I immediately had a prescription for Lovenox in my hand. Daily injections into my abdomen to prevent blood clots. I think in the first week it made me feel good, that I was preventing something that could negatively effect my pregnancy, but by week two I was OVER it.
Kevin and I found out at 5 and a half weeks that we were having twins. It was that day, the moment we saw two sacs, that something short circuited in my brain. We were trying for one baby, I peed on enough sticks to know we had achieved that, and now this German guy is telling we're having TWO at ONCE. My need to control was spinning out of control and somehow the hypochondriac gene fell off my radar. If I couldn't control the number of babies I was having, I obviously had no control over the entire pregnancy. I mean, the amount of babies a woman has is not usually something you even have to think about!!
So for the remainder of the pregnancy I was amazingly worry-free. Somehow I no longer worried about having a miscarriage, I didn't worry that my babies were going to be misshapen or disfigured, I didn't even have any genetic testing done because I knew there's nothing I can do about it anyways. I think the best phrase to describe what happened during the pregnancy is "Let go, and let God". I had to give up control and just let things happen the way they were meant to happen. If I had one, or two babies that had Downs Syndrome then that was my lot in life, to take care of two special needs babies. If I were to go into labor extremely early then I was meant to be a NICU mommy. I managed to change my hypochondria into destiny.
Now that the girls are here I am thankful they cured me of hypochondria. It would be far too tiring to always worry about if they're breathing, if they're growing, if they're upset about something. Somehow deep down I know that they will let me know if something is wrong. We've had a few scares where one of the girls will inhale some spit up, and it's a sound that is nothing like a hunger-cry. It's a bone chilling scream and forces you up to help. But a quick suction with the bulb syringe and a few minutes of burping and everything is fine once again. I think those moments are also necessary for the parents, once I see that she's OK, I have this amazing feeling of, "I can do this"! These two little girls depend on Kevin and I for everything, it's an immense amount of trust, and every day I feel a little more in control of providing everything they're ever going to need.
Now on to pictures... I took some "professional" newborn pictures of the girls. :) Here are the ones I have edited, I have a few more that still need editing, but I'm so tired that you'll all just have to wait!
Little Miss Avery
My Sweet Reese
Avery on the left, Reese on the right
Avery didn't want her head propped on her hands, but Reese didn't mind
Models in the making...
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